Stop ordering off the menu

The language of behaviour has changed as children have changed. We spend significantly less time persuading people that punishment doesn’t work, and we can see amazing pockets of nurturing practice in almost every setting we work with.

The adults we speak to are trying hard. They are using the full menu of training, all the tools and all the texts available to ‘sort out behaviour’. And yet, the dials on disengagement, dysregulation, avoidance and escalation often creep up. To shift the dials in the right direction, we need to stop ordering off the menu and start upgrading our culture drip, drip, drip.

Here are the nuggets: 

1. ‘What to do when’

The biggest threat to cultural change is ‘what to do when’. Relational practice isn’t a toolbox of ‘what to do when’. It’s cultural, it is ‘‘how we do it here’. When every adult contributes consistently to a relational culture, to shifting their behaviour deliberately the dials of self-belief, emotional safety, opportunity, trust and hope turn up for every child. In turn, their behaviour will change. 

2. Translating training

I have learnt that you can say the same thing to even just two adults and they will hear  different things. Every adult needs it translated, scaffolded and modelled over and over again. For example, the translation of ‘use 3 rules’ isn’t on posters, displays or a single ‘teaching the rules’ assembly. The leadership message is ‘how do we it, here’ not ‘shall we give this a go or not’ and the training schedule needs to be slow, steady and highly supported.

‘Introducing the rules’

• Buckle up: Get everyone strapped in properly. The rules are the lever for emotional safety. Yes, they allow us to train our learners to meet our expectations and they also allow for a consistent language, but it’s the safety they provide that is your biggest lever for change. When we use rules, they are the destination for every interaction and conversation around behaviour. 

• Clarify what it isn’t: The rules aren’t more memorable words for shaming. They are not expectations that learners must magically learn to meet and a structure for punishing children as soon as they aren’t met. They are an emotionally safe structure for training and supporting learners to meet our expectations. They are ‘strong on boundaries, big on heart’ in action. They support adult behaviour first and they need to be introduced slowly to ensure that ‘remember our rule about…’ works. Rules need to be accompanied by ‘safety structures’: ‘This behaviour breaks our rule about X and we need to X’ I’ve noticed you're struggling to be ready today, how can I help you?’. Call out the ‘You are disrespectful’, ‘I can see you are choosing not to follow our rules’ and other shame-based language that is lurking around the corner before it shifts your dials in the wrong direction.

• Strong scaffolding: There are some schools that have ‘ready, respectful and safe’ in the brick work and that is a very lovely thing, but adults need training that will make their emotionally safe responses to even the trickiest learner behaviour habitual. Think about how you can scaffold the changes in adult behaviour rather than hoping to inspire the change you want to see. Think supported movement rather than strong magnets. Rules, structures and scripts are the support adults need. These structures, used with some script posters, work well.

3. Drip from the beginning:

We know that if you tell adults ‘using rules’ will change behaviour, they will give it a go. You’ll hear the adults that reach for the 3 magic words in their tool box and then fuel the ‘who is this Paul Dix bloke?’ chat in the staff room. We need to start at the beginning with the drip, drip, drip. It shouldn’t be the same drip - we aren’t at maintenance yet. It is chunking. Whenever you introduce something new, ‘the drip schedule’ should be your intuitive first step.

What’s the very first step of introducing the rules? It’s the one page plan or first Thread. It’s making all of the rules, and all of the behaviours, and your phone policy and expectations of parent parking fall within ‘Ready, Respectful and Safe’. The next drip is the training. The ‘I need you to be ready, that means X’ and the following drip is the noticing. ‘That’s exactly what I mean when I say be ready - thank you’. ‘Smart uniform today, Thanks for being ready for learning’. It’s only when you’ve done the groundwork that the ‘remember our rule about’ drip can begin. The gentle adjustments and soft landings. And then, perhaps the most powerful drip - the one that ramps up that emotional safety dial the most - is the structure for tricky conversations. The ‘This behaviour breaks our rule about X and we need to X’. 

I know you want to start there. I know it would be wonderful if that ‘tool’ was just in the box for when things wobble, but that simply isn’t how this works. There will not be a magical moment when the resistant adults just ‘get it’ and come to meet you where you are. Shame does not disappear overnight and your relational gauges can’t be flipped up in an instant. It’s a culture that’s worth fighting for.  

Truly relational cultures change everything now and in the future. This is the thing that will improve emotional well being whilst improving outcomes for every child. It is the blueprint that protects the future generation from coercive control and abuse. It’s the model that shows young people ‘how’ to do ‘Strong boundaries and big heart’ themselves. Then with their peers and their trusted adults now and with their friends, family, colleagues and community for generations to come. 

Our menu doesn’t include one off training but we are always delighted to speak with schools that are looking to shift their dials and change their culture. If you’d like to know more, please get in touch by emailing Charlotte@whentheadultschange.com